how to be a non-victim of sexual abuse
** trigger warning - the content of the immediately following text may upset or offend some people.
I am a non-victim of sexual abuse. I say that loud and proud and refuse to label myself as a victim of any of the atrocities I experienced throughout my life.
It hasn’t always been that way. In fact, for most of my twenties and into my early thirties I identified as a victim of it.
At 20 years old, I was involved in a major sexual harassment case at a supermarket where I worked casually. A significantly older male coworker of mine said a lot of inappropriate things to me along the lines of “I want to have sex with you… I want to lick your body.”
My body went into a complete freeze response as I was cutting blocks of cheese for the deli showcase. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t speak, I just froze in shock and disgust to the words coming from my coworker’s mouth.
He was fired and soon after filed a lawsuit against me and the company for unfair dismissal stating that I had lied and in fact, been the one to initiate sex with him. The case was dragged out for six months until he finally cancelled the whole thing the day before the court hearing.
…
A couple of years later, I went out with two of my girlfriends over the Queen’s Birthday long weekend in Melbourne. My drink was spiked and after a series of blurred-out events, I was taken back to a stranger’s home and raped. Thankfully, thanks to the alcohol or the drugs (or maybe a combination of both), I don’t remember much of that night at all.
I did, however, remember the re-traumatisation of the police investigation that followed afterwards.
The morning after the drug spiking and rape incident, I found myself in a state of panic. No one tells you what to do after being raped… I certainly didn’t know what to do. My first thought concerned my health, “Oh shit, what if I’m pregnant? What if I have an STI? AIDS?!” so I visited my nearest GP to be tested.
After explaining to the doctor what had happened, he uncomfortably advised me he cannot help me and that I’d need to visit a hospital. My next stop was the emergency ward at Sunshine Hospital, I told the receptionist I had been raped and didn’t know what to do…
She told me to take a seat in the waiting room.
I waited for many hours into the night until finally, a nurse called my name. I explained to her what had happened and she looked at me in horror. She was outraged that I had been waiting for many hours in the waiting room of the hospital. She explained that rape victims are meant to be treated straight away (particularly if drug spiking is involved because certain drugs only remain in the system for some time). I guess the receptionist wasn’t informed about this procedure.
She explained the hospital’s protocol for rape is to call the police as well as a sexual abuse support person (from where I can’t remember exactly).
That night at the hospital, I first underwent some intrusive examinations of my body. The sexual abuse support person was the first to arrive at the hospital. Surprisingly she advised me not to pursue a police investigation as she explained the process can be re-traumatising for survivors and it usually doesn’t result in a positive outcome. In hindsight, I wish I had believed her. I now understand how difficult it is to prosecute a rapist.
The police were the second to arrive at the scene. The female officer who was in charge of the job didn’t seem to be bothered by my story. She casually stated, “This happens every night in Melbourne.”
Really? Every night a woman is raped in Melbourne?
I decided to pursue a police investigation as we were able to identify the man (thanks to security footage). The problem is that for anyone to be found guilty of rape they need to:
Admit that they committed the crime (I don’t know many rapists that are putting their hand up to that);
There needs to be a witness (most rapes don’t occur in public places with witnesses to attest to the crime);
You must have solid evidence (and in regards to this, I found even if they do find a drug in your system, they can’t know for sure that you didn’t voluntarily take the drug so spiking becomes very difficult to prove unless you have a video/image of the person doing it.)
The police investigation was painful and re-traumatising. If I’m being completely honest, I wouldn’t recommend it to other survivors of rape and sexual violence. It felt more like I was defending my innocence as opposed to anything else. I recall that same female police officer commenting, “He doesn’t seem like a rapist.”
What does that even mean? Are the only men capable of raping, the creepy serial killers we see on TV?
According to Amnesty International, “nearly one in three women globally has been subjected at least once to physical or sexual violence, or both. Most of this violence is inflicted by intimate partners, husbands, or other family members."
Let’s focus on the fact that most of the violence is inflicted by those who are closest to the victim. Therefore it’s not going to be the creepy serial killer dude most of the time but rather the “nice guy”, friend, husband, family member, the people we would never expect to commit such an act…
This is where our society has it twisted. Rather than acknowledge that we have a global rape and sexual violence crisis on our hands, we instead turn our heads the other way and instead question the victim of the assault,
“What did YOU do to provoke the situation?” ie. “What were you wearing? Were you alone? Were you under the influence of alcohol? Did you lead him on in any way?”
“Are you sure he did that?”
“How do you know you didn’t give consent?”
“He’s a nice guy, that doesn’t sound like something he would do…”
This blog post is not about blaming men or blaming society for that matter. This blog post is about empowerment for victims of sexual violence and assault because empowerment is what can heal this within the collective once and for all. When we CHOOSE to see ourselves as non-victims we begin to take back our power.
In my experience, the worst thing that happens to you after sexual harassment or assault is you feel as if your power has been taken from you and you are completely vulnerable to the person who is assaulting you. It is very traumatising to feel that powerless. As long as we continue to identify as a victim of sexual violence and assault, we are unknowingly giving our power away to outside forces we cannot control.
Once a person labels themselves as anything, that label becomes a part of their identity and their subconscious belief system. Whether you know it or not, you are always manifesting from your subconscious belief system. From these core beliefs, we attract people, situations and circumstances that reinforce them.
If you have a deep-seated core belief that you are a victim of sexual violence and assault, there is a high chance that you’re going to attract more people, situations and circumstances in your reality that affirm that belief to you. This is the ugly side of the Law of Attraction that many teachers do not talk about.
…
A few years after the police investigation, I was living overseas, working as a flight attendant and appeared to have created a new life for myself. I was so excited to see one of my favourite destinations on my roster… Nice in the South of France! Not only was I getting to travel to one of my all-time favourite places during Europe’s summertime but I was also working with one of my friends that I had flown with a few times before.
Throughout the flight, he and I discussed our plans for the layover. We decided to visit a cute seaside village called Eze, drink some French wine and take some great selfies for Instagram.
What he didn’t mention was that while I was vomiting on the way back to the hotel from alcohol intoxication, he would walk me back to my hotel room, strip me naked and rape me…
It happened again…
And someone I trusted also… But he didn’t seem like a rapist…
The second rape was a lot different from the first. This time I just felt numb. This time I didn’t want to report it. This time I didn’t want to say anything to anyone.
This time I just wanted to hang my head in shame. Surely there was something wrong with me if I had allowed this to happen twice?
The worst part was the memory I had of the rape itself, while I was conscious enough to know what was happening, I wasn’t physically strong enough to fight him off.
I had to work with him on the flight back home. He didn’t make eye contact with me and ignored me the entire way back. I never saw him again after that flight.
Years later, after again moving countries, I discovered self-help, trauma healing, feminine embodiment and most importantly spirituality. If you know me today, you know exactly where that road has led me ;)
Through various forms of healing modalities including plant medicine, meditation, feminine embodiment, womb healing, spiritual seeking and integration, I was able to alchemise the core identity belief of a victim into a non-victim. Since then, my life has radically changed for the better and I no longer attract abuse, harassment and violation in my external reality.
As long as we believe we are a victim of anything in our life (whether that be sexual violence or something else) we are believing that we are at EFFECT of the outside world, rather than at the CAUSE of it.
When we adopt the identity of the victim, we adopt a destructive mindset that drains us of our life force. Rather than creating the life we desire, we instead regurgitate the past and get stuck in loops that don’t serve us and further convince us that the world is bad and somehow out to get us. Take my lived example as proof of this.
The only solution and way out of victim consciousness is empowerment. This comes from taking responsibility for everything in your life - the good, the bad and the ugly! Empowerment is defining oneself by INTERNAL TRUTH which can never be taken from you and doesn’t depend on anyone. Empowerment means to create your reality based on how you CHOOSE to SEE it. You know WHO YOU ARE and more importantly WHAT YOU ARE.
When we choose to change the narrative of victimhood to empowerment, we choose to not let the abuser take more from us than they already have. We recognise that while our body may have been attacked, our soul, the truth of who we are, remains forever untouched and invulnerable.
In my case, after many years of suffering, I realised I had two choices:
I could continue operating from victim consciousness and be at EFFECT of the outside world where I have no choice in what happens to me; or
I could CHOOSE to be a non-victim of sexual assault and SEE myself from a Higher perspective, one of empowerment. While my physical body may have been violated, the Divine Essence of WHAT I AM can never be abused.
I opted for option 2 and I have poured my heart out to you in this blog post because this has truly been the road to liberation and healing. I share this in the hope that this road might free you also.
“By changing his mind, he has changed the most powerful device that was ever given him for change”. T-7.V- ACIM
Jesus was not wrong when he said that. To change your mind is the most powerful thing you can change.
The good news is that in every divine second, we have the power to CHOOSE again, to change our mind of a perception we had of ourselves. We never, ever, EVER have to be defined by our past. We can choose to see ourselves however we like in every present moment. This is our Free Will that has been granted to us since birth.
The more you awaken to WHAT YOU ARE, the more you can identify with the light that you are instead of the temporary physical body.
The more I connect to my soul, the more I can distance myself from the traumatic memories of the past. This is what enables me to write freely about what happened… these stories no longer have a grip on me like they once did. It feels truly liberating to have relinquished the shame I was carrying. I can’t even describe to you how heavy it once felt.
There are many stages to healing from sexual trauma and I am in no way advising anyone to skip over the expression of human emotions that are natural after any traumatic experience. To heal anything, we must FEEL IT in its entirety. This is where somatic work and embodiment can be really helpful.
However, once we have done the therapy, once we have released and moved through the waves of emotions, we mustn’t adopt the identity of the victim if we truly want to liberate ourselves from the past.
This life can be as beautiful and miraculous as we choose. Our future doesn’t need to be dictated by our past. The only person that can change the trajectory of your life is you.
That’s the good news, you needn’t look any further.
When we end victimisation within ourselves, we heal it in the world at large, a world that currently thrives on victim consciousness.
Think about it, as long as you are in a state of victimhood and believe you are disempowered and weak, you are living in a fearsome state that is easily manipulated, abused, violated and attacked. There are many powerful agendas at play that prey upon this kind of weakness.
To choose non-victim and the path of empowerment, however, means not only are you choosing to create a better future for yourself by changing your core state of being, but you are also raising your level of consciousness, which lifts the rest of humanity who are operating at lower levels.
David R. Hawkins is a famous author and researcher who created The Map of Consciousness. David R. Hawkins shares that we are all born with an energetic frequency within the field of consciousness calibrating from 1 (Shame) to 1000 (Enlightenment).
Hawkins explains in his research, that people who calibrate at 500 (an overall frequency of love/oneness/unity) are counterbalancing 750,000 people in the entire world calibrating under the level of 200 (the frequency below empowerment ie. victim consciousness, shame, guilt, fear).
If we truly want to end violence and abuse against women (and all people for that matter) the work starts with us. It starts with our free will to CHOOSE differently and see ourselves for who and what we truly are. In doing so, we raise our energetic frequency, step into empowerment and non-victim/creator consciousness, and lift the rest of humanity higher in the process.
"I can be changed by what happens to me, but I refuse to be reduced by it."
- Maya Angelou
WARRIOR GODDESS: 6-week healing journey from victim to non-victim of sexual abuse
This June/July I am called to offer a new program!
who is the WARRIOR GODDESS?
She identifies as a non-victim. This label empowers her as she remembers what she truly is, a soul, that is invulnerable and never a victim.
While her body may have been violated, her soul is not.
Through her own healing, she is then able to help others who are suffering and have experienced similar trauma.
She has an unconquerable Spirit that cannot be subdued by abuse or rape. Her will and courage can never be overcome by the forces of darkness.
Rather than being subdued by rape and abuse, she seeks justice and pursues her Higher Self’s calling in life which works towards the betterment of humankind.
With the assistance of the Divine Feminine Goddesses, I've decided to teach my exact process for empowerment and healing so sexual abuse survivors can truly overcome the pain and suffering of their past trauma.
This is going to be a small, intimate group (online) that we'll be launching in a few weeks, on the 27th of June 2024.
I am offering this 6-week inaugural container at the low price of only $111 AUD to make this accessible to those in need.
If you feel called to embark on this healing journey together, I commend you! You can sign up here or contact info@daniellemurnane.com for more information.
I understand this is a very sensitive subject for a lot of people and I thank you for witnessing me in my deepest heartfelt expression.
With gratitude and love,
Danielle x
